Midwifing for self

I want to enjoy living a life with no purpose. Life is that which has self control and makes choices. I was born dead because initially I had no self control. Even in my early years others determined my actions, and I simply responded to genetic and biological forces. I was dust in the wind, interesting to others at times, but devoid of what I have defined as life. Most of us achieve self control as we age, but many do not have life because we don't use that self control to make choices for ourself. We arrive at the base of the ladder but don't climb it.

Right away the opponents of this view want to say, "having control and making choices won't give us purpose, meaning, or value." When they say that I know that they have determined that they have no life. Life for people trying to discover purpose, meaning, and value, depend on some external force or being determining purpose and meaning. We simply discover what they lived to create. There are no explorers in the universe, only pilgrims seeking the path mapped by others.

Life may exist or have existed, for the "other." That is, the entity that blazed the path may be alive, but I have no real way of knowing that, I only can infer it. Further, what possible gain is there for the pathmaker who discovers that millions of others have learned to blindly follow them.

I am not the master of fate of Invictus, because for me to believe in fate means believing that I have no choice, my destination was set before I was born, and the choices I made were pointless. I am not yet the captain of my soul, but I want to become it. I guess I am the midshipman of my soul, a main in training to give birth to self.

I am the dead activating life, creating life, becoming alive. I want to learn how to be my own midwife. Even the image of the Phoenix does not suffice. I don't want to burn my old, I want to build on it. I don't want to be born again if that means becoming dead once again. I want to build on the choices I made to build life one choice at a time.